I've told you before what a difficult time I used to have when it came to telling people "No, I'm unable to fit that into my schedule" or better yet, just simply "No." It can be rough when you're born a people-pleaser. I am finally to the point where it is easier for me and I don't feel as guilty about it as I did in the past. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself because no one else is going to do it for you, if you know what I mean.
Now it seems I'm learning another of those life lessons. It's all about "I can't." Not so much the act of actually saying "I can't" as convincing myself that some things are simply beyond the realm of possibility. And again, it is something I must learn to accept and not feel the guilt that keeps trying to creep into the picture.
There is, for instance, my complete inability to blog on a routine basis. I make promises to myself when it comes to how often I will blog and I simply end up breaking those promises. It isn't even as if blogging is a chore for me. It's actually quite the opposite. I love to blog. I enjoy writing just as much as I enjoy reading, if not more. Truth be told, this is one promise I despise breaking. But it is what it is. There are just too many other things that need to be done, too much that needs my attention, too few hours in the day and too little energy to do it all. Being unable to post here as often as I'd like hurts no one other than myself, but then I guess that's another reason it bothers me. My inability to find the time to do something that is important and therapeutic and cathartic for me makes me just a little sad.
But here I am, learning to say "I can't" to myself just the same as I learned to say "No" to others. I will make no more promises regarding how often I'll blog or even if I'll blog because it seems to only add to the pressure I already have coming at me from all sides. And when I say pressure, I don't necessarily mean it in a bad way. It is only the day to day stuff that makes up this beautiful life. As much as I love my husband, my children, my grandkids, life in general...there is still a certain amount of pressure that comes tagging along with all the joy they bring. The pressure to do what needs done in order to keep this house running, clean clothes on our backs and healthy (for the most part) foods on the table. The pressure of keeping up with practice schedules, music lessons and who is playing what game on which side of town.
Thanks to the calendar on my iPhone, I've actually gotten pretty good at keeping up with all of it. The kids haven't missed a practice or a game and I haven't misplaced a kid. I may need to tell myself "I can't" on occasion, but I guess when it comes to life in general, I think it's safe to say "I CAN." And that's pretty much all that matters. :)
