Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Little Unsolicited Advice...things I've learned on vacation

And like a post from earlier this week, there will be no pics.

You can thank me later.

I'll apologize now if I offend anyone who reads this.  But hey, it's my blog, a place to express my opinion.   And while it is never my intention to hurt feelings, some things just beg to be said.  ; )

Unsolicited Advice 
Offering #1:
This one is for grown women who should know better.

If you are going to wear a two-piece bathing suit, please make sure you purchase a bathing suit that is the correct size.  No, the front of your suit bottoms are not supposed disappear beneath your 'muffin top' (or BUNDT CAKE, if you will) and you should not have to constantly readjust those two microscopic slivers of fabric that you call a 'bikini top' in order to keep them on The Girls.  Know what I mean?

Unsolicited Advice
Offering #2:
This one is for grown men who should, too. 

I understand that there are different body types.  I understand that sometimes an unattractive physique is a matter of genetics.  But I also understand that how you cover that physique on a public beach is a matter of choice.  Let's use a little common sense here.  If you appear to belong in the latest edition of Ripley's Believe it or Not! due to the fact that you look to be roughly 38 weeks pregnant though you are quite obviously male and well beyond the age of new parenthood, a shirt would be nice.  If you really don't want to wear a shirt, then please, I beg of you, at the very least you should not wear the waistband of your trunks below that hefty guy.  Pull 'em up.  Around your waist.  Or at least where your waist should be.  It's back to buying the correct size.  The trunks you wore as a skinny 15 year old kid aren't really intended to fit you as a heftier, middle-aged male. 

Unsolicited Advice 
Offering #3:
This one is for all those boys/young men out there trying to look 'cool'.

Gentlemen, PULL UP YOUR SWIMMING TRUNKS!  That section around the top is called a 'waistband'.  It does not, I repeat NOT, belong down around your butt cheeks or, worse yet, your upper thighs!  No one wants to see your underwear or any part of your anatomy that belongs within the confines of those swimming trunks.  Just remember:  CRACK KILLS....and it singes the eyeballs when you glance up from your comfy beach chair only to get an eyeful of it.  Plus it makes me want to tell you to go take a bath.  You look dirty.  Yuck.

Unsolicited Advice 
Offering #4:
This one is for all those young girls out there, trying so hard to grow up too quickly.   
Leave a little to the imagination.  Yeah, the skimpier the bathing suit and the more you swing those hips, the more attention you'll get from those young men wearing their waistbands down around their thighs.  But it also draws the attention of guys older than you; guys whose intentions are maybe not so honorable; guys who should know better.  And one of these days in the not so distant future, you'll come to realize that you should have spent a little more time enjoying growing up rather than rushing it. 

And that is it for this edition of Unsolicited Advice. 
But trust me, I'll be back with more someday.  
And you probably won't want to hear (read) it either.
; )